I woke up this morning with something highly irritable shining into my closed eyes. No matter how tightly I tried to shut them, no matter how many blankets I dragged to cover my head, I could not fight off the powerful force of such beaming lights.

"What the hell... I could have sworn I turned off my lights before I went to bed. What did mom do now?"

I gave up after 10 torturous minutes and decided to get out of bed to find out what that damned light was. I quickly realized that it was the sun.

Hurrah! I have not seen the sun since what? The beginning of February? We welcome you back.

I'm back.

With 17 bug bites, a new wardrobe, 80 extra pounds, and a exhausted car.

Florida was fun and I'm glad I went. The car ride back was awful because we were stuck in about 5 different traffic jams. But aside from that, everything went smoothly. By that I mean, no one died. Yay!

Universal Studios was awesome, and we got to ride on all of the roller coasters. Word from the wise: If the line for a ride offers a single-riders line, take it. Sure, you might be separated from your buddies, but waiting for 5 minutes instead of 45 is definitely worth it. I must say that my favorites were the Dueling Dragons, and Shrek 4-D, for those of you who'd know what I'm talking about.

Oh, and if you ever want to engage in a pukefest, just order the "Kitchen Sink" sundae. 8 scoops of ice cream, every type of topping imaginable, cookies, brownies, cake, fruit, and a whole can of whipped cream. Mmm... yum.

I'm ready to crawl into bed and sleep for hours and hours. I actually woke up at around 9ish every morning. I hadn't done that since... well... graduation, maybe? I'm tired now though. However, a friend of mine might have to crash at my house tonight so I have to stay up and wait for her. Speaking of crashing at my house, Sivan is coming tomorrow. I'm excited! =)

Oh, you know...

1. Is your hair naturally curly, wavy, or straight? Long or short? Straight and short.

2. How has your hair changed over your lifetime? Yeah, lots. Almost everytime I get my hair cut, I do something drastically different. I don't do trims.

3. How do your normally wear your hair? It's short, so I blow dry it and flip it out.

4. If you could change your hair this minute, what would it look like? I want to cut it real short... like, a pixie haircut. And make it all messy. I've always wanted to do that but I think I will just look bald instead. That'd be hot, too.

5. Ever had a hair disaster? What happened? I was going to take a candlelit bubble bath and when I leaned over to turn off the water, my hair caught on fire from the candle. It singed off a small section of my hair, but it looked like someone had accidentally cut a part of my hair off near the roots. My bathroom smelled like burnt hair for about 2 days. Ugly and stinky. Awesome.

I'm going to go finish unpacking. You can stop missing me now. =)

Psycogyrrl: i thought it was in a private section
SooshiMooshi: haha. i don't have any private sections
SooshiMooshi: well, i *do*... but thats a different story

I'm going to Florida tomorrow. Be back on Friday. Try not to miss me too much.

I had not realized that it was Father's Day until I talked to a friend online a while ago. It struck a chord in my brain. I think I try to live my days not thinking about what happened, and how much I did wish I still had a father in my life. And most the time I succeed. Then it's moments like these where all of the memories, the pain, the hurt, comes flooding back, and I wish that I could just fast forward to another day.

When my dad died of a heart attack, I was only 12 years old. And ironically, it was on Father's Day. Yes, I was young. But not young enough to where I wouldn't remember every tear I shed, and every moment that I thought I couldn't go on. Over that past 6 years, I found the strength and the willingness to go on with my life, and to find happiness in a lot of things I do.

And yet, I find myself alone, crying at 3 in the morning.

Looking back, I think I may have played the whole thing off like it didn't bother me as much as it really did. I tried not to think about it. I tried to forget. I wanted to forget the way he looked in the coffin, forget the way I felt after he died, and forget the months of torment that I put myself through. But forgetting is the last thing that I can do right now. I don't think I ever realized how much I truly missed him, missed his smiling face, missed when he'd take me out to movies when my mom was busy with her work, and missed the times he would never let me down.

Sure, there were rough times as well. I remember nights where I would sit alone in my room crying because I knew my parents were fighting downstairs. Nights where my dad would come into my room and start crying himself when he had to bring up the subject of divorce. I knew my family was falling apart. I knew there was nothing I could do about it.

What I didn't know was that I would be losing him sometime soon.

His death was so sudden, and no one could have prepared for it. One can never really prepare for death. But at 12, the last thing that I was expected to do was having to deal with the death of my own dad. I was still young! I needed him to be there for me. I had to do everything to tell myself that it wasn't my fault.

After he passed away, everything felt so different. A house that once seemed to be cozy and full of life all of a sudden felt empty, haunted, lifeless. In the book I'm reading, Kitchen, the narrator says, "The room was so unearthly quiet, I lost all sense of time being divided into seconds. I felt that I was the only person alive and moving in a world brought to a stop. Houses always feel like that after somone has died." That's exactly how I felt. I was so alone. I felt like no one understood what was going on. I didn't turn to my family, I didn't turn to my friends. I hid behind a facade of laughter and warmth to conceal what I was really feeling on the inside. Everyone thought that I was getting over it, and that I was going to be okay. But I wasn't. I cried myself to sleep every night for almost an entire year. And every night, I wished that it would be my last.

Thankfully, time makes a person wiser and stronger. I was able to move on. I saw life in a different light. I was able to look pass the bullshit and see things for what they really are. I began to appreciate everything that was in my life, and be thankful for the things or people I always took for granted.

As I was digging through my old scrapbooks, I found a letter that I had not touched in a long time from my dad. He wrote it to me when he was still in Taiwan but my mom and I were already here. I was only about 7 years old. I found it a few years ago and read it to Sivan and told her that it seemed as though he wrote it to me from Heaven.

My lovely, precious, Tammy,

     Long time no see. Daddy misses you a lot. But when I heard that mommy said you weren't eating right and had gotten really skinny, my heart began to ache. You have to eat more and drink milk. That way you will stay healthy and stay beautiful. Remember to listen to your teachers at school, and your mom at home. Be my good daddy's girl. I already received your letter, and the picture you drew was very pretty. You have improved a lot since the last time you sent me one. The weather is nice here, and I'm quite busy with work. After lunch I go play tennis, and after work I go visit your grandmother and grandfather. They all miss you a lot. I told them that you and mommy were coming back to Taiwan and Hong Kong and they are really happy. Ill be in Nashville in a few months. If you are good, I will take you to DisneyWorld in Florida, okay? If you have time, take lots of pictures with mommy and send them to me. I miss you too much. Hope you are good, and that you are happy. I love you.

                                          Daddy
                                         03/24/92

God, it kills me to read that again. I don't know why I do this to myself every year. The feeling lasts for only a day or two, and I'm back to my normal self. But when that feeling comes, it hits me hard. However, I know that I'm strong. I know that when I'm stressed out by something else, this was an experience that I could always look back on and think, "Okay. If I can get through that, I can get through anything." I try not to let the little things get under my skin, because hardly anything can surmount to a death in the family. I weigh certain situations more carefully and try not to take things or people for granted.

I don't have a problem talking about my dad's death to anyone now, but only a couple people know the full extent of my story. I think this may be the most intimate post that I've ever had in these past 2 or so years. I've really spilled my guts, haven't I? No, I'm not trying to envoke pity. I just feel that through writing, I can get a lot off my chest. I feel a lot better now. I've even stopped crying! I never realized how therapeutic writing can be... but I promise to not get so personal much from now on because I know you all probably hate my whining. I do need to get some rest though because i'ts getting quite late, but one last thing...

Wherever you are, Happy Father's Day, dad. I miss you.

Molly and I watched it. Valley of the Dolls, that is. And yes, it was just as bad as I expected. Personally, I love bad and overplayed acting, big 60's hair, and awkward love scenes. Just my style.

I'm actually going to try going to bed early tonight since I have to get up for church tomorrow morning. Then I have to face a long and tormenting day of driving on Monday. I'm gonna need all the sleep that I can get.

"Have FUN, kiddies."

How unfortunate...

Someone actually came to this page by looking up "12 years olds girls playing with there shit in the bath room" on AOL's search engine. That makes me sad.

I mean, if you're going to search for something like that, at least spell "their", correctly. Sheesh. The grammar of our feces-fetishists today has just gone down the shitter, hasn't it? No pun intended, of course.

There's a full moon tonight. So if I start acting loony, you'll know why. Then again, I always act loony but at least tonight I have something blame it on. Bad moon. Bad.

I just finished reading Valley of the Dolls by Jacqueline Susann. It's great yet so depressing at the same time. I would recommend it to any of you girls (or guys) who would enjoy a good and entertaining "glorified trashy romance novel" (as Molly so adequately puts it). It's fabulously wretched. Plus, who wouldn't love a story filled with insecure beauty queens, drugged-up addicts, bitch fights, husband-stealings, and sex? Lots of sex. [Thanks for loaning me the book, Hips.] We should rent the movie, have a slumber party together, and play the I need a doll game!

But remember kids, drugs are bad.

I <3 Friday Five

1. What's one thing you've always wanted to do, but never have? Skydiving

2. When someone asks your opinion about a new haircut/outfit/etc, are you always honest? Most the time.

3. Have you ever found out something about a friend and then wished you hadn't? What happened? Yeah. But then I got over it. Most of my friends are cool enough to make me look past... whatever.

4. If you could live in any fictional world (from a book/movie/game/etc.) which would it be and why? I'd live in Brave New World. Just think, you never get old, you can have all the sex you want and not have to worry about emotional attachments or diseases or getting pregnant, you can have a perfect little life. Yay! Either that or I'd live in Mario's world while humming along to the theme song.

5. What's one talent/skill you don't have but always wanted? Hah. Look below.

I am listening to Evanescence - My Immortal and I'm thinking, "Holy crap can I please have this girl's voice?" Now, I'm not that big of a fan of the band itself, but Amy Lee's voice is so unbelievably beautiful that I can't stop listening. It's so hot that it makes me want to sex her.

There are three things that I wish I could really well and that is dancing, singing, and writing. How come I wasn't blessed with a cool talent, huh?

"But Tammy... You sleep AWESOMELY. I wish I could sleep as good as you."

Another great link from Sivan.

The Best Story, EVER. I didn't know whether to cry because I was laughing so hard or cry because I was about to barf all over my keyboard. But remember, any story with poop and puke together will always be a winner. Anyway, thanks again, Siv. You totally made my night. =)

To all of those who read this, I love you.

(Thanks, Siv.)

Finally, a site made out especially for me... HeartlessBitches.com. Yay!

I got really hungry at around 2 this morning. I heated up some leftover bruchetta from Carrabba's, and took a bite out of one and decided I was full. What is wrong with my body?

I watched the most bizarre movie tonight. Not bizarre in a good way, because there are a lot of movies that are just plain weird, but you end up kind of liking them anyway. That is not the case with Brazil. Yes, I understood what the movie was trying to convey. Yes, I know that it was about a man trying to fight his way out of a life of conformity and authority who ended up just driving himself insane. Yes, I also know that I want two and a half hours of my life back. It's movies like Brazil that make me wish I did lots of drugs.

I must say, however, that Robert De Niro does kick much ass. And the Samurai was a hottie.

The mom got home safe and sound tonight. She brought me fun stuff too! And I can never have enough of fun stuff =) I missed my mommy, and I have a her a big hug. I gave her a big hug for the rest of you too because I know you all missed her as well.

My friend got me a big stuffed Nemo. Aww isn't it cute? I have a new toy to cuddle with! Don't you want to cuddle too? With Nemo that is, not me. I kick and steal covers. Speaking of kicking and stealing covers, I'm going to bed now. Night~

It's been a while. I could make up a story about how busy I am with all the cool friends that I have but we'd all know that'd be a lie. I've just been too lazy to write in this damn thing. I know you all are just so sad.

A few new things...
- I got a new razor: Schick Intuition. It's incredible and I'm in love with it. It makes my skin feel really soft afterwards. Shaving is actually fun now!
- I'm addicted to Sex and the City. I just finished season 1 and my goal is to watch season 2 and 3 by Monday. Hours and hours of sex... what more could you ask for?
- I started reading Valley of the Dolls by Jacqueline Susann. Molly recommended it to me and it's quite good so far. I still need to finish Ender's Shadow and Kitchen.
- It's been raining too much lately. My plan for swimming every day has been foiled.
- Self tanner lotion smells bad.
- My mommy comes home tonight. Yay! I stayed up until 5:30 this morning scrambling to clean the apartment and make it spotless. That way my mom will come home and be like, "Wow Tammy, you are so responsible. Here's a cookie."
- My friend offered me a ticket to Bonnaroo: Manchester for this weekend. I'm really really tempted to go, but I'm low on cash and I've got to work this weekend. *Sigh* The things I'd give up for the sake of work... I know I'm going to regret this one day.

Anywhoo. Due to a lack of anything better to say, I'm leaving. I'm going to risk getting wet and make a couple of errands before I go to work. If you really loved me, you'd come by to visit me. =)

You know you're out of shape when you're sore after engaging in a 30 minute game of lazer tag.