Today has been a sad day. A member of our church and a very close friend of our family died this morning. It wasn't really something unexpected because her health has been failing ever since the doctors discovered a malignant brain tumor less than a year ago. My mom saw her yesterday and told me that she's slipping in and out of consciousness, and it won't be long until she will pass away. She asked me last night if I would like to go visit her today but I told her I couldn't. I couldn't go and look at death in the face, it was too hard. It's weird thinking about it. We knew that she did not have very much time left but it was hard fo rme to believe that this was the same woman who just last year was on the stage hosting a Christmas show, dancing and laughing and singing. A woman who was so full of life and loved every moment of it.

I've questioned my faith numerous of times before, and this is no doubt another time where I'm questioning it again. How can a "merciful" God take a woman who was so devoted to her family, and to church, and to just... life? How can He take a caring mother away from her two children at a time when they need her most? Why her? What is His justification in doing something like this? How does He determine who gets to live and who gets to die? I mean, why not me? Or some asshole who doesn't deserve to live?

I know that there is a reason for everything that happens, but it's hard to see what that reason is until a few, or many years down the road. It's hard to see how things fit into that whole "big picture" but it's hard to deal with the present without any answers. It was hard watching her come to church every Sunday weaker than the week before until she did not have the strength to come anymore. Yet, what touched me most was her faith in God and whatever He had in store for her. She remained so dedicated at a time where I probably would have given up all hope if I was in her place.

I'm not sure how I feel right now. Sad, angry, frustrated, confused? I don't know. I do know that she was an amazing person whom we all loved and will all miss immensely.

"For what is it to die,
But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?
And when the Earth has claimed our limbs,
Then we shall truly dance."
--Kahlil Gibran