I'm supposed to be doing my summer reading reports right now. But I've done that for the past 3 or so hours. I thought I deserved a break... So I was just sorta flipping through this gynormous binder full of old e-mails (from 1998... I used to print out all the good ones...) and I came across this one very informational e-mail that tells me exactly how to be a "cool" asian. Supposedly, you have to...

1.) Be racist
2.) Dye your hair... reddish brown for best results (but then again, blonde turns out to be reddish-brown anyway)
3.) You must drive an Acura Integra or Honda Civic.
4.) Never wear glasses out of class... only FOBs can do so (colored contacs are required)
5.) Be racist
6.) Girls, wear dark lipstick (the browner the cooler... no matter if you end up looking like you stuffed your face in chocolate)
7.) To achieve the "natural" look, apply layers and layers of makeup on... if it starts to look unnatural (heaven forbid), just apply another layer
8.) Curl your eyelashes until they touch your eyelids
9.) Never be caught dead in a group of less than 10
10.) Be racist
11.) Only associate with fellow yellows
12.) When you want to speak about a non-Asian in front of their face, speak your own language very loudly and rudely
13.) Interpret every little thing as a racial issue
14.) Never be on time when meeting friends
15.) Be racist
16.) Dogg on inter-racial couples
17.) A pager is a life necessity (or a cell phone, or both)
18.) Only wear clothes in the exciting shades of black and white (occasionaly cream, brown, or gray are allowed)
19.) Girls must stare at each other more than guys stare at them
20.) Be racist
21.) Always dress like you're going to a party, even when you're only going to Walmart
22.) Hang out in coffee shops when there's nothing to do
23.) Girls must be masters of DDR
24.) Guys must be masters of DDR
25.) Be racist
26.) Make every event a social one... church, school, funerals... etc.
27.) Guys are not allowed to leave the mall without at least one set of digits
28.) Girls - Dress skimpy on a cold day so that a guy has to lend you his coat
29.) Guys must wear their choice of : Eternity, Escape, Tommy, or A&F colonge
30.) Be racist
31.) Carry at least 1,000 pictures around with you wherever you go... pictures of only Asians of course. Sticker pictures are even better...
32.) Take pictures everywhere you go... Guys - always look ruff and all hard-core, lifting your chin up to the lens. Girls - fake smile with the peace symbol, or no smile and no peace symbol
33.) Fit 9 people in a car, when the limit is 5
34.) Be racist
35.) Wear a jade necklace, even if you're not into Buddah
36.) There must be a stringy, Oriental-looking ornament dangling from the mirror of your souped-up car
37.) Girls - Be abnormally obsessed with Sanrio
38.) Be racist


Um... I am the un-coolest Asian. Ever. And has it occured to you that those instructions told me to be racist at least 5 times? Dude, fuck that. If that's what it takes to be cool. I want to be the biggest loser. Oh wait. I already am =)