I woke up this morning with something highly irritable shining into my closed eyes. No matter how tightly I tried to shut them, no matter how many blankets I dragged to cover my head, I could not fight off the powerful force of such beaming lights.

"What the hell... I could have sworn I turned off my lights before I went to bed. What did mom do now?"

I gave up after 10 torturous minutes and decided to get out of bed to find out what that damned light was. I quickly realized that it was the sun.

Hurrah! I have not seen the sun since what? The beginning of February? We welcome you back.

I'm back.

With 17 bug bites, a new wardrobe, 80 extra pounds, and a exhausted car.

Florida was fun and I'm glad I went. The car ride back was awful because we were stuck in about 5 different traffic jams. But aside from that, everything went smoothly. By that I mean, no one died. Yay!

Universal Studios was awesome, and we got to ride on all of the roller coasters. Word from the wise: If the line for a ride offers a single-riders line, take it. Sure, you might be separated from your buddies, but waiting for 5 minutes instead of 45 is definitely worth it. I must say that my favorites were the Dueling Dragons, and Shrek 4-D, for those of you who'd know what I'm talking about.

Oh, and if you ever want to engage in a pukefest, just order the "Kitchen Sink" sundae. 8 scoops of ice cream, every type of topping imaginable, cookies, brownies, cake, fruit, and a whole can of whipped cream. Mmm... yum.

I'm ready to crawl into bed and sleep for hours and hours. I actually woke up at around 9ish every morning. I hadn't done that since... well... graduation, maybe? I'm tired now though. However, a friend of mine might have to crash at my house tonight so I have to stay up and wait for her. Speaking of crashing at my house, Sivan is coming tomorrow. I'm excited! =)

Oh, you know...

1. Is your hair naturally curly, wavy, or straight? Long or short? Straight and short.

2. How has your hair changed over your lifetime? Yeah, lots. Almost everytime I get my hair cut, I do something drastically different. I don't do trims.

3. How do your normally wear your hair? It's short, so I blow dry it and flip it out.

4. If you could change your hair this minute, what would it look like? I want to cut it real short... like, a pixie haircut. And make it all messy. I've always wanted to do that but I think I will just look bald instead. That'd be hot, too.

5. Ever had a hair disaster? What happened? I was going to take a candlelit bubble bath and when I leaned over to turn off the water, my hair caught on fire from the candle. It singed off a small section of my hair, but it looked like someone had accidentally cut a part of my hair off near the roots. My bathroom smelled like burnt hair for about 2 days. Ugly and stinky. Awesome.

I'm going to go finish unpacking. You can stop missing me now. =)

Psycogyrrl: i thought it was in a private section
SooshiMooshi: haha. i don't have any private sections
SooshiMooshi: well, i *do*... but thats a different story

I'm going to Florida tomorrow. Be back on Friday. Try not to miss me too much.

I had not realized that it was Father's Day until I talked to a friend online a while ago. It struck a chord in my brain. I think I try to live my days not thinking about what happened, and how much I did wish I still had a father in my life. And most the time I succeed. Then it's moments like these where all of the memories, the pain, the hurt, comes flooding back, and I wish that I could just fast forward to another day.

When my dad died of a heart attack, I was only 12 years old. And ironically, it was on Father's Day. Yes, I was young. But not young enough to where I wouldn't remember every tear I shed, and every moment that I thought I couldn't go on. Over that past 6 years, I found the strength and the willingness to go on with my life, and to find happiness in a lot of things I do.

And yet, I find myself alone, crying at 3 in the morning.

Looking back, I think I may have played the whole thing off like it didn't bother me as much as it really did. I tried not to think about it. I tried to forget. I wanted to forget the way he looked in the coffin, forget the way I felt after he died, and forget the months of torment that I put myself through. But forgetting is the last thing that I can do right now. I don't think I ever realized how much I truly missed him, missed his smiling face, missed when he'd take me out to movies when my mom was busy with her work, and missed the times he would never let me down.

Sure, there were rough times as well. I remember nights where I would sit alone in my room crying because I knew my parents were fighting downstairs. Nights where my dad would come into my room and start crying himself when he had to bring up the subject of divorce. I knew my family was falling apart. I knew there was nothing I could do about it.

What I didn't know was that I would be losing him sometime soon.

His death was so sudden, and no one could have prepared for it. One can never really prepare for death. But at 12, the last thing that I was expected to do was having to deal with the death of my own dad. I was still young! I needed him to be there for me. I had to do everything to tell myself that it wasn't my fault.

After he passed away, everything felt so different. A house that once seemed to be cozy and full of life all of a sudden felt empty, haunted, lifeless. In the book I'm reading, Kitchen, the narrator says, "The room was so unearthly quiet, I lost all sense of time being divided into seconds. I felt that I was the only person alive and moving in a world brought to a stop. Houses always feel like that after somone has died." That's exactly how I felt. I was so alone. I felt like no one understood what was going on. I didn't turn to my family, I didn't turn to my friends. I hid behind a facade of laughter and warmth to conceal what I was really feeling on the inside. Everyone thought that I was getting over it, and that I was going to be okay. But I wasn't. I cried myself to sleep every night for almost an entire year. And every night, I wished that it would be my last.

Thankfully, time makes a person wiser and stronger. I was able to move on. I saw life in a different light. I was able to look pass the bullshit and see things for what they really are. I began to appreciate everything that was in my life, and be thankful for the things or people I always took for granted.

As I was digging through my old scrapbooks, I found a letter that I had not touched in a long time from my dad. He wrote it to me when he was still in Taiwan but my mom and I were already here. I was only about 7 years old. I found it a few years ago and read it to Sivan and told her that it seemed as though he wrote it to me from Heaven.

My lovely, precious, Tammy,

     Long time no see. Daddy misses you a lot. But when I heard that mommy said you weren't eating right and had gotten really skinny, my heart began to ache. You have to eat more and drink milk. That way you will stay healthy and stay beautiful. Remember to listen to your teachers at school, and your mom at home. Be my good daddy's girl. I already received your letter, and the picture you drew was very pretty. You have improved a lot since the last time you sent me one. The weather is nice here, and I'm quite busy with work. After lunch I go play tennis, and after work I go visit your grandmother and grandfather. They all miss you a lot. I told them that you and mommy were coming back to Taiwan and Hong Kong and they are really happy. Ill be in Nashville in a few months. If you are good, I will take you to DisneyWorld in Florida, okay? If you have time, take lots of pictures with mommy and send them to me. I miss you too much. Hope you are good, and that you are happy. I love you.

                                          Daddy
                                         03/24/92

God, it kills me to read that again. I don't know why I do this to myself every year. The feeling lasts for only a day or two, and I'm back to my normal self. But when that feeling comes, it hits me hard. However, I know that I'm strong. I know that when I'm stressed out by something else, this was an experience that I could always look back on and think, "Okay. If I can get through that, I can get through anything." I try not to let the little things get under my skin, because hardly anything can surmount to a death in the family. I weigh certain situations more carefully and try not to take things or people for granted.

I don't have a problem talking about my dad's death to anyone now, but only a couple people know the full extent of my story. I think this may be the most intimate post that I've ever had in these past 2 or so years. I've really spilled my guts, haven't I? No, I'm not trying to envoke pity. I just feel that through writing, I can get a lot off my chest. I feel a lot better now. I've even stopped crying! I never realized how therapeutic writing can be... but I promise to not get so personal much from now on because I know you all probably hate my whining. I do need to get some rest though because i'ts getting quite late, but one last thing...

Wherever you are, Happy Father's Day, dad. I miss you.

Molly and I watched it. Valley of the Dolls, that is. And yes, it was just as bad as I expected. Personally, I love bad and overplayed acting, big 60's hair, and awkward love scenes. Just my style.

I'm actually going to try going to bed early tonight since I have to get up for church tomorrow morning. Then I have to face a long and tormenting day of driving on Monday. I'm gonna need all the sleep that I can get.

"Have FUN, kiddies."

How unfortunate...

Someone actually came to this page by looking up "12 years olds girls playing with there shit in the bath room" on AOL's search engine. That makes me sad.

I mean, if you're going to search for something like that, at least spell "their", correctly. Sheesh. The grammar of our feces-fetishists today has just gone down the shitter, hasn't it? No pun intended, of course.

There's a full moon tonight. So if I start acting loony, you'll know why. Then again, I always act loony but at least tonight I have something blame it on. Bad moon. Bad.

I just finished reading Valley of the Dolls by Jacqueline Susann. It's great yet so depressing at the same time. I would recommend it to any of you girls (or guys) who would enjoy a good and entertaining "glorified trashy romance novel" (as Molly so adequately puts it). It's fabulously wretched. Plus, who wouldn't love a story filled with insecure beauty queens, drugged-up addicts, bitch fights, husband-stealings, and sex? Lots of sex. [Thanks for loaning me the book, Hips.] We should rent the movie, have a slumber party together, and play the I need a doll game!

But remember kids, drugs are bad.

I <3 Friday Five

1. What's one thing you've always wanted to do, but never have? Skydiving

2. When someone asks your opinion about a new haircut/outfit/etc, are you always honest? Most the time.

3. Have you ever found out something about a friend and then wished you hadn't? What happened? Yeah. But then I got over it. Most of my friends are cool enough to make me look past... whatever.

4. If you could live in any fictional world (from a book/movie/game/etc.) which would it be and why? I'd live in Brave New World. Just think, you never get old, you can have all the sex you want and not have to worry about emotional attachments or diseases or getting pregnant, you can have a perfect little life. Yay! Either that or I'd live in Mario's world while humming along to the theme song.

5. What's one talent/skill you don't have but always wanted? Hah. Look below.

I am listening to Evanescence - My Immortal and I'm thinking, "Holy crap can I please have this girl's voice?" Now, I'm not that big of a fan of the band itself, but Amy Lee's voice is so unbelievably beautiful that I can't stop listening. It's so hot that it makes me want to sex her.

There are three things that I wish I could really well and that is dancing, singing, and writing. How come I wasn't blessed with a cool talent, huh?

"But Tammy... You sleep AWESOMELY. I wish I could sleep as good as you."

Another great link from Sivan.

The Best Story, EVER. I didn't know whether to cry because I was laughing so hard or cry because I was about to barf all over my keyboard. But remember, any story with poop and puke together will always be a winner. Anyway, thanks again, Siv. You totally made my night. =)

To all of those who read this, I love you.

(Thanks, Siv.)

Finally, a site made out especially for me... HeartlessBitches.com. Yay!

I got really hungry at around 2 this morning. I heated up some leftover bruchetta from Carrabba's, and took a bite out of one and decided I was full. What is wrong with my body?

I watched the most bizarre movie tonight. Not bizarre in a good way, because there are a lot of movies that are just plain weird, but you end up kind of liking them anyway. That is not the case with Brazil. Yes, I understood what the movie was trying to convey. Yes, I know that it was about a man trying to fight his way out of a life of conformity and authority who ended up just driving himself insane. Yes, I also know that I want two and a half hours of my life back. It's movies like Brazil that make me wish I did lots of drugs.

I must say, however, that Robert De Niro does kick much ass. And the Samurai was a hottie.

The mom got home safe and sound tonight. She brought me fun stuff too! And I can never have enough of fun stuff =) I missed my mommy, and I have a her a big hug. I gave her a big hug for the rest of you too because I know you all missed her as well.

My friend got me a big stuffed Nemo. Aww isn't it cute? I have a new toy to cuddle with! Don't you want to cuddle too? With Nemo that is, not me. I kick and steal covers. Speaking of kicking and stealing covers, I'm going to bed now. Night~

It's been a while. I could make up a story about how busy I am with all the cool friends that I have but we'd all know that'd be a lie. I've just been too lazy to write in this damn thing. I know you all are just so sad.

A few new things...
- I got a new razor: Schick Intuition. It's incredible and I'm in love with it. It makes my skin feel really soft afterwards. Shaving is actually fun now!
- I'm addicted to Sex and the City. I just finished season 1 and my goal is to watch season 2 and 3 by Monday. Hours and hours of sex... what more could you ask for?
- I started reading Valley of the Dolls by Jacqueline Susann. Molly recommended it to me and it's quite good so far. I still need to finish Ender's Shadow and Kitchen.
- It's been raining too much lately. My plan for swimming every day has been foiled.
- Self tanner lotion smells bad.
- My mommy comes home tonight. Yay! I stayed up until 5:30 this morning scrambling to clean the apartment and make it spotless. That way my mom will come home and be like, "Wow Tammy, you are so responsible. Here's a cookie."
- My friend offered me a ticket to Bonnaroo: Manchester for this weekend. I'm really really tempted to go, but I'm low on cash and I've got to work this weekend. *Sigh* The things I'd give up for the sake of work... I know I'm going to regret this one day.

Anywhoo. Due to a lack of anything better to say, I'm leaving. I'm going to risk getting wet and make a couple of errands before I go to work. If you really loved me, you'd come by to visit me. =)

You know you're out of shape when you're sore after engaging in a 30 minute game of lazer tag.

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

It feels good to be clean too. I smell yummy.

Friday Five <3
1. How many times have you truly been in love? Once.

2. What was/is so great about the person you love(d) the most? His ability to make me feel like I'm actually worth something. I think he came to me when I was not feeling too great about myself and still very self conscious about a lot of things. He made me feel special, and he gave me a different outlook on life. Something that hardly anyone else had been able to do in the past. He also made me want to become a better person. He understands me on a very intimate level and is willing to put up with my mood swings and my constant bitching. And trust me, that's not an easy task. Oh yeah, and he makes me laugh. That's my favorite.

3. What qualities should a significant other have? Look above. Don't forget the "makes me laugh" part. I like to laugh. Lots.

4. Have you ever broken someone's heart? I think so >_<

5. If there was one thing you could teach people about love, what would it be? I really can't teach anyone about love. It's something that you've got to learn and experience for yourself. But I mean, love sucks, but don't let that stop you. ^_~

I go to Florida in 9 days and Sivan is coming in 14. Woop woop. I'm excited! Can't you tell from my "woop woop"s? You should.

I Febreeze my clothes after work so I wouldn't stink of Chinese food when I go out, but I realized that Febreeze just makes me smell like... closet. Old. Dirty. Closet. I need to find something that would get rid of that whole "Chinese buffet" smell. You know, I could always try showering. But that always seems to take too much effort. I did, however, take one tonight. You should be so proud...

DiamondNorthStar: you're funny
DiamondNorthStar: your blog is great!
SooshiMooshi: i'm glad *someone* finds me funny =)
DiamondNorthStar: don't stop! I like reading it
SooshiMooshi: haha yay!! i have a fan!
DiamondNorthStar: you should start a fan club!
DiamondNorthStar: and sell cups and t-shirts
SooshiMooshi: i would, but i'd buy them all for myself though
DiamondNorthStar: that'd be fun, too
DiamondNorthStar: you could wear a tammy t-shirt to work

Doesn't that just sound like a great idea? I know you all would love to wear a shirt that says, "TAMMY ROX MY SOX", or, "TAMMY IS THE COOLEST PERSON AND I WISH THAT I WAS JUST LIKE HER BECAUSE SHE'S PRETTY LIKE A PRINCESS." Will someone make me one? I promise to wear it (even if it says something like "Tammy sucks my balls" or something). I'll even give you a dollar. (Oh yeah, Molly~ We definitely need to make more t-shirts sometime.)

Seeing how its getting later by the minute, I best be getting to bed. Sweet dreams, and hopefully not wet ones.

Happy Birthday, Bear!!!

I love you! =)

I was busy tonight sucking at LazerQuest. But at the same time, it's also a comforting thing because at least I know that I'm not one of those LazerQuest nerds with those cool moves.

But no offense to you LazerQuest dorks. Go on with yo' bad self.

I've definitely given up on this getting-back-to-a-normal-sleeping-schedule thing. I know it's not good for me because even though I don't wake up until 1 or 2 in the afternoon, I am so tired during work, and I have to do everything to keep from nodding off. Tonight was okay though because we were busy so I couldn't fall asleep even if I wanted to. I still get sleepy nonetheless. However, once it hits around 11 at night, I get really awake and hyper. It's like I'm drunk, only it's worse because I'm actually sober. I just don't know what to do with myself sometimes.

One thing, amongst many, that I don't get about you guys. How do you think you're ever gonna pick up a girl by honking and hollering out of your car window and then drive off? Do you really expect us to run after you because you know, honking at us is so romantic and all? It makes me weak in the knees just thinking about how I wish you all would do it more. Really.

I'm going to take a shower now because I seriously stink and I'm sure you all wanted to know that. Ta ta.

SooshiMooshi: you smell
tcheng35: how did you know I farted?
SooshiMooshi: ...
SooshiMooshi: I refuse to acknowledge you as my brother from now on.

Happy Birthday, Emily!!!

I will totally slaughter you at lazertag tomorrow night... =)

For those of you who signed my guestbook, *cough* David Beckham, Jewel, Ace... *cough*, thanks. They totally made my day. =)

"OHMYGOD POSH SPICE TOTALLY GAVE ME A SHOUTOUT!!!11!1!!!!11!"

I decided that I needed an esteem booster because I'm just such a loser and I have no friends. I've even stooped down low enough to do something like this.

I've created a guestbook. [Hey, at least it's not a TagBoard - It's worse!]

So please, pretend to be a friend and sign it so I won't have to curl up into a fetal position and cry myself to sleep. I'll even give you a popsicle.

I kept hearing this beeping noise a few minutes ago and I thought that my mom's alarm clock had gone off for no apparent reason. I went to go turn it off when I realized that I had forgotten to turn off the TV and The Osbournes was on...

I made fried dumplings for lunch today. I also made the mistake of opening the patio door to let some fresh air in.

There are now 4 giant flies who are enjoying the luxury of my apartment. I was in the bathroom just about 10 minutes ago getting ready to go out when I spotted a huge mother of a mosquito. After I screamed like a little girl, I proceeded to slowly step away from it and grabbed a magazine and thought, "you're *so* dead." However, I hesitated before I laid the smack down on the little bitch. One of four things could happen:

1. I completely miss the mosquito because I'm that dumb. It flies away and attacks me at night and I wake up with 100 bug bites in the morning and I end up cursing God.
2. I hit it. But it smears all over my wall, and because I'm too much of a pansy to clean it up, I will have to wait until my mom gets home to clean it. I will end up having to look at bug guts every day for another week and a half.
3. I hit it. It stays on the magazine. I gawk at it in complete disgust and then throw the entire magazine into the trash can.
4. I hit it. It does not stay on the wall or the magazine. Instead it falls down into my makeup basket. I will then have the pleasure of looking for the corpse amongst my makeup in hopes that I will find it soon, and not a week from today when I open up my lipgloss and find it in there.

I decided to take my chances and I hit it as hard as I could. Luckily, #3 happened. I ruined my latest Entertainment Weekly, but it was for a good cause. Now. I'll just have to ruin another 4 magazines to get the remaining flies. Hurray!

Eric Types: Your blog is so weird that I've given up on trying to understand it.

I had forgotten how shitty Chuck E. Cheese's was until today.

Oh yeah. I also had forgotten that I was 18 and Chuck E. Cheese's was made for 5 year olds. However, Joe, Esther, Ben and I did win some friendship Bracelets, ugly stickers that we put on our phones, and annoying whistles. Overall, I'd say that it was worth my while.

Its joe again. wo boo shee hwan nee mun! chuck E cheese's was a blast, but its one of those things that you really miss when you remember the memories as a child... but when you actually go, its lame b/c its really a waste of money. its kind of like when you know someone from when you were really little, and you haven't seen them at all for a really long time...so all of your memories of them are memories of them being little. when you hear stories about them from other people, the person is the same way in your head as the last time you saw them. finally, when you meet up with them again, that person who you last saw when you were 5 years old, and you envisioned as being 5 in all of your stories, is all of a sudden an 18 year old...and you have a new face to put in your memories...make sense? i hope so. back to tam tam!

Joe is talking nonsense. Anyway, I think I'm going to go to bed now seeing how I only got two hours of sleep cause some people decided to give me a surprise visit at 3 in the morning. *Cough* Night!

this is joe: today, i woke up at like 3:30, which is not healthy for me at all. last night, i left home after chillin like a villain at j9s, when i got a tight ass prank call from her loser boyfriend...it scared me. the voice had a hermaphrodite-ical ring, kind of like my voice, and the person tried to seduce me. i'm easy...but i'm not that easy- like Tammy easy. so anyway, i went back home before my midnite curfew so my mommy woudln't raise holy hell...well, my mom doesn't do that...but i talk like she does for dramatic purposes. so i go home, and i'm feeling a little bit sleepy around 2...and of course, i can't sleep. my body is f-ed up like a mother and the biological clock that tells me to go to sleep doesn't kick into action until i hear birds chirping and its dawn outside. i flipped through my memory book, and read the wills and shit. i'm glad its all over...but i just don't think HS memories will resonate with me as well as everyone talks about it. my MLK career was cool for 6 years, but i'm on to bigger and better things: e.g. Yale, legal age, amateur pornos like Ed Hanfeldt...my hero. o yeah, so anyway, i flipped and flipped and tried to look at every picture when i decided that i should probably try to go to sleep again. so, i have discovered a way to help me fall asleep when its time to go to bed. (o wait...did i forget to mention that i watched the National Spelling Bee on Channel 11 for about an hour, waiting for the girl from MLK to mess up so i could go to bed; some words i remebered: chignon, parorexia...etc.) so what i did to make myself fall asleep: i close my eyes and think of a word: for instance, "appreciation." and i take each letter and thing of a special way for it to make an entrance into my black screen of sleep. for example, A would fly into the screen of my psyche like a rocket shit. P would tumble down like its falling from a hill. the next P would grow like a tree, and the R would jump around like a trampoline...and yeah, for some reason. that puts me to sleep. thank god Tammy suffers from the same inability to sleep at a normal time condition. i don't feel so alone. i'm out! bye...thanks for stopping bye!

Whee~ Happy June!

Quick update:
- Friends have been spending the night here these past few days. I have not gotten much sleep as a result. Oh wait, I never get much sleep anyway.
- Finding Nemo was really good. And pretty. I want to see it again.
- I got my hair cut today and got highlights. I think I like it. Shit, for 95 bucks, I better like it.
- With my Coke can, I can save $10 when I go to DollyWood. You know... cause hey! It's DollyWood! And the person who created it has rediculously big boobs, and who can pass up on big boobs?
- I went putt-putting with a friend and I totally kicked his ass. Not really, but I just like to tell myself that. We decided to play video games in the arcade to kill some time. I had my eyes set on the hot pink fuzzy dice that you could win with 150 tickets. I told the guy who worked there that I am going to win some fuzzy dice by the end of my 8 quarters. I spent my first seven on skee-ball (God loves skee-ball, too), knocking a clown's teeth down, and those machines where your only goal is to get the jackpot of tickets. I was highly disappointed when I used my 8th quarter on a machine that I did not want (I just wasn't paying attention). I was also disappointed when I realized that I had won the jackpot of 294 tickets. However, I *did* get my pink fuzzy dice, plus another one for my friend. Yes, my friends, TWO pairs of fuzzy dice. Now I have something to match my fuzzy steering wheel cover. Score.
- Nashville parties suck.
- Good luck to Emma and have lots of fun in Wales. We'll miss you... Maybe.
- I'm definitely going to Florida with Molly. Lindsey is coming, and Emily might be. It'd be like spring break all over again, minus two other girls. We should totally go to Sandalwood, drink some SoCo and throw dem 'bows up at E-bor city. You know you wanna get down with Tennessee Tina. ^_~
- I had a dream last night where I got on my computer and there was a picture of a penis flopped over on a bedpost as my wallpaper. I was mortified when I realized it wasn't a dream.
- I'm going to get Mexican food tomorrow for lunch. Here's to hoping that I don't get the runs. Mmm yeah that's gross.
- Esther and Ben just came over to see me and left about 10 minutes ago. It's fun when people come visit me at 3 in the morning. We all got in bed together and had wild steaming hardcore sex talked for about 2 hours. Oh, and Esther loves me and I have the voicemail to prove it. (Sad. I have to prove that people actually like me.) But yeah, I love you too, Esther. You're pretty.

So there goes my plan for sleeping early tonight. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. I promise.