I lost the main man in my life today.

For those of you who knew me the last few years, you would have had the pleasure to meet my one and only, Hercules.

Hercules was my fatty cat who's been there for me through the thick and thin. He's seen me through many boyfriends, many fights, many disappointments and embarrassing moments. And yet, he was the only one that never judged me for the stupid decisions I've made in my life. He stuck by me when even my closest friends would have left my sorry ass.

He was the one cat that even people who DESPISED cats, absolutely fell in love with. And he was the one who always kept my bed warm at night so I didn't feel so alone.

But despise all the sad, I want to thank all of you for giving Hercules an amazing life and loving him as much as he loved all of you.

RIP Hercules (1998-2007)

[Edit]: The one thing that brightened up my day was this text message from my mom that I received at work (verbatim):

Tammy, dnot be sadd, herkery she is in the heaven now. Where we will all be there in the future, so we will see her again. Please take care of your toes, see doctor if not get better ok? Pray for you and love you

Wow. I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how amazing this text is. Herkery? Nice. [/Edit]

So my favorite shot to order from Rain is a "Yeah, Baby", because not only is it delicious, but when you ask, "Hey, can I have two Yeah Babies?", they always reply, "Yeah... baby."

And it never gets old.

I got to hang out with my favorite last night, and we did something that we haven't done in a long time - go downtown together. On a Tuesday night. Just us two. Like the alkies we are.

It all started when I got a VIP pass to a Patron party at Qua - free Patron shots all night. Now everyone knows that I absolutely DESPISE tequila... but... who can pass up on a sale, son?

So of course, I had to call Phuong up to see if she wanted to go, and like the trooper she is, she obliged. We get a cab at around 11:30 and we're in front of the bar in 10 minutes. When we get there, the bouncer tells us that they were about to close!!! What bar closes at midnight?? I know that you have to be 25+ to get in, but Jesus, are you really that old that you need to be in bed by midnight? Come on.

We leave Qua to go next door to Rain (go figure), and we find out that Texas is working the bar that night. He hooked us up with some delicious shots:

- Smack That Ass (Like a Yeah Baby, but... pink...)
- Blueberry Pancake (Tastes JUST like what it's named. Crazy)
- German Chocolate Cake (This was my favorite! How does a clear shot end up tasting like chocolate? It's baffling.)
- Upside-down Pineapple Cake (Meh. Good, but didn't compare to the prior.)

After I was good and tipsy, we trekked on over to 6th Street to see what was happening over there. Cause you know, those Tuesday nights tend to get crazy. Right. [By the way, why does 6th Street seem so much further when it's fucking freezing outside???] We stopped by SoHo, got another shot and drink [I've been so spoiled by the good liquor at Rain that well drinks are just plain boo-boo]. As we're trying to make our way to Aquarium/Library/Treasure/Agave/etc, we get stopped by our old friend, Paul. Paul used to be the bouncer at Exodus, and he used to ALWAYS let us in with an armband back when we were still underage. We love Paul. Anyway, he's working at Darwin's now, and he told us he'd buy us a drink if we went in. (and hey, who can pass up a sale, son?). Tuaca bombs for everyone! We ended up staying the rest of the night because A.) It was cold and I didn't want to go outside, and B.) We met some really fun people... like:

- The two guys from Canada (or Canadia, as Phuong likes to call it) who are playing for a hockey team in Amarillo. AMARILLO! Who the fuck plays hockey there?! Tragic.
- C.J. (or J.C., or T.S., or A.J., as Phuong likes to call him) - the guy who owns the bar who kept taking shots with us.
- Ben - the guy who said to Phuong, "You don't look a day over 30." Bitch.

Tammy Tuaca! Haha.


My favorite. :)
Good laughs, watching Phuong be mean to all the guys there, and a few shots later - we decide it's time to go home. Right as we got back, yours truly christened Phuong's apartment complex by throwing up everything she had to eat that night. Man, I bet those plants will grow much stronger and prettier now.

After eating our usual midnight snack (spring rolls and miso soup - yum!), we fell asleep while watching Anastasia, (by "we", I really mean I passed out in the first 5 minutes of the movie, and Phuong stayed up for an additional 2 hours) just like old times. Felt kinda nauseous this morning... but nothing a little Buffet Palace couldn't fix! And boy, was it delicious.

Ahh. Fun times. I miss my roommate.

My boyfriend sent me flowers. Because he loves me more than he loves you. Sorry, but it's true.

To my fellow yellows and FOBs, this one's for you [if you're not fresh off, fresh on, not-so-fresh off, in, on, or even out of the boat, please ignore this post, for you will not understand the glory that is this following video]:

My gay boyfriend, Jasen and I have always said that we should have our own reality TV show. Granted, there would just be a lot of footage of us eating Chick-Fil-A (or Panda Express, or McDonald's, or Side Wok Cafe), taking ridiculous amounts of shots at Rain, talking shit about people at work, and quoting our friend, Shawn. [No, but seriously, we'd make a GREAT TV show, I promise. You'd totally watch too, don't even lie.]

We always agreed that he'd be the star of the show, and I would be his much smarter and talented assistant that's constantly pissed off because she's just a fucking assistant even though she's much smarter and talented. [Hi. It's Redundant Day - it's where we say everything twice, or more than once.]

Then we came up with an even better idea. You all have seen or heard of MTV's "A Shot of Love with Tila Tequila", right? If you haven't, catch up:

So instead, it's gonna be "A Shot of Cum with Jasen Jager". The J's are silent.

The premise is this - there will be 16 girls, but all of them go on the show thinking he's straight - and all of them are set out to win over his heart. However, on the first night, Jasen's got a big secret to tell the girls - "I've... never... told anyone this, but... I'm... gay. And you girls are here to compete to be my ultimate fag hag." And the girls will yell and cry and will be all, "But I've totally already began to fall in love with him even though I've only known him for 7 hours!"

But Jasen's got another secret to tell them! - "I... have another secret to tell you. There's actually someone else. Someone that's been there for me through the thick and thin, and someone that will be VERY difficult to replace - my former fag hag, Tammy Tuaca!" And I come in Sister Patterson (you know, the mom from I Love New York) style - reading all the bitches to the floor and making them cry. All of them will try to suck up to me, but they actually want to rip my hair out, and all they talk about is how much they hate me in their confessionals. And of course, there's gonna be one bitch that's gonna try to act all grand and stand up for herself, only to realize that I will tear her a new one and she will be eliminated that night no matter how much Jasen liked her. And in the final episode, one of the girls will hawk a loogie the size of small rodent in the other one's hair.

See? Good shit, right? We're gonna tweak it a little and then send it off to MTV or VH1. It's bound to get picked up. Wish us luck.

Don't mind Jasen's leopard dress.

For Halloween this year, I didn't dress like a slutty ___________ and get drunk and manhandled on 6th Street. Instead, I watched the worst movie of my entire life.

I know that's a pretty serious statement, so I'll let that marinate in your mind for a while.




...




Yes, my friends. The. WORST. Movie. Of my entire life. Now, believe you me, I've seen some pretty terrible movies in my day, some being:

Battlefield Earth
Waterworld
The Adventures of Pluto Nash
The Master of Disguise
Epic Movie
Ultraviolet
Juwanna Mann
I Still Know What you Did Last Summer
Bring It On: All or Nothing
Leprechaun in Space
Leprechaun in the Hood
Crossroads

Shit, I'm embarrassed to even mention that I've seen those, but I would rather watch all of the movies listed above ten times each than see the cinematic turd also known as "Bug" again.

The only thing "disturbing" about this movie is that people actually went to see it in theaters.

It was an hour and a half of my life that I would have much rather spent gouging my eyes out with rusty spoons. It was one of those movies that you kept watching because the whole time you were thinking, "God, it's *got* to get better", but instead, it gets worse. And at the end, you're hoping that a scary girl with a bad weave will crawl out of your TV and put you out of your fucking misery. Or just punch your in the fucking mouth, because at least *that* would have been a hell of a lot more interesting than "Bug".

Ahh, good times on Halloween night. At least I got to share my agony with good company. And all is well.