Oh Christ, that's the kind of shit I like to talk about at 4 in the morning after I've been drinking too much wine?

Wine should come with a warning: "This product will not only get-get-get you drunk, it will also make you into a sentimental, pansy-ass, whiny little bitch."

Molly - I blame you for initiating this whole thing.

Everyone else - I apologize for being such a queer.

Nonetheless, I wouldn't take any of what I said back though. So uhhhh.... like, wanna make out or something?

I had a discussion with a friend tonight about how winter always makes us want to be with someone. I guess it's something about the cold weather that makes me want to be in the constant company of a boy - knowing I can hug, or cuddle, or kiss him anytime I want to. Oh God, do I miss the kissing. I don't think I've had a good, passionate make-out session since before this past summer. Which is actually pretty surprising since we all know that that I am the make-out QUEEN. So anyway, I've come to the conclusion that...

I miss being in love.

There. I've said it. I'll let you chuckle to yourselves for a couple of seconds.

...

But yes. I really, truly, miss being in love with someone. And yet, I know that I am terrified of ever letting myself be that vulnerable to anyone again. Maybe that's why I suck so much at relationships now. Maybe that's why I'm notorious for fucking up anything that's going good for me. Maybe that's why everytime I get too close to someone, I pull away and get out of it as soon as I can. And maybe that's why I'm attracted to these assholes whom I know would never treat me the way I would like to be treated.

I have learned to love - unconditionally, unequivocally, and undoubtedly. I've known what it felt like to want to give up everything I have just so that person would never feel an ounce of pain. I've known what it's like to be willing to put your life on hold, so you can move forward with theirs. I've known what it's like to wish with every aching part of my body and soul to be with them when they're hurting. I've known what it's felt like to be genuinely happy for the first time in my life.

But in return, I have also learned the true meaning of heartbreak. Never before had I experienced the kind of pain I went through during our break-ups. I felt as though a part of my heart had been ripped out of my body, leaving only an empty void that could never be filled again. The pain of heartbreak was crippling - mentally, emotionally, and physically. I've cried so much that I was literally too weak to get out of bed. So much that I felt like my world was falling apart. So much that I couldn't focus on anything BUT the pain. I kept thinking about what went wrong? Was it me? It had to be me. I'm the one to blame. I did everything I could to keep myself from wallowing in a pool of self-hate. I did everything I could to keep myself from thinking about him, hoping the pain would ease. But this was a pain that no amount of Advil or band-aids could fix.

That's when time became my best friend. I came to the realization that I was not the only one to blame for our break-up. Our hearts eventually just fell out of sync - and the distance definitely made things harder. So, slowly but surely I was able to pick up the pieces, stop being such a fucking girl, and finally move on.

Only problem is, I am now completely horrified at the thought of opening myself to someone else the way I did. The last thing I'd want is to let my guard down, only to fuck myself over in the end, because I never want to feel that helpless and hurt ever again in my life. But it's cold, shitty, weather like this that makes me want to try once more.

Am I ready to love again? Hell no. I don't know if I'll ever be ready. But am I ready to try? Possibly.

And maybe the chance of feeling truly and utterly happy again is worth risking having another broken heart.

Or maybe I just need to get laid.

I leave you with this quote:

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defenses, you build this whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. It's a soul hurt, a body hurt, a real gets inside you and rips you apart pain. I hate love. - Neil Gaiman

Winter sucks.

It's all out of love, baby.

You kids be good. Eat lots, stay safe, and create memories that you'll never forget with those you love most.

Joy likes to eat me out because she's a skanky ho.

Tammy has a working computer again! After a tough month-long seperation, my beautiful laptop and I have been reunited. And once again, everything is right in this world.

Thanks to my brother for getting my laptop back to me and setting up my wireless router.

And a definite thanks to my awesome roommate for letting me use her computer at least once a day.

Yay!

Round I - III, this weekend. I didn't think it would be humanly possible to get completely tossed three nights in a row, and still fuction properly.

Uch. No more...

... Until next week.

It was good to see you, Stephanie! More Mario Kart to come next time I see you!

Congratulations, MU Class on crosssing, especially to my lil' bro Josh! You boys definitely deserved to have one hell of a night.

And it was also good to see you RhoDChi girls. Y'all are fun. Too bad A&M sucks, though.

And to... well, the rest of us: ROSE BOWL, BABY! [Sivan - it's ON... until the break of dawn.]

Oh goodness my, oh me, I sure do love my roommate. Let's see if you can tell if we're drunk or sober in these pictures. :D

[And as always, mouseover for comments.]

[As if that's not enough to kill your eyeballs, here's more.]

I think these pictures prove that we are, indeed, the cutest people in the world.

For this Thanksgiving, I'm not gonna do my usual long lists of mushy lovey-dovey bullshit that you all are so used to. If I like you, then I'm thankful for you. Enough said.

Instead, I am going to show my appreciation for, let's just say, "The Little Things".

This year, I am thankful for:

The sounds of my cat hurling up hairballs right next to my head... because I know that I have a great pet who keeps me company when no one else can.

Downloading bad 80's music and anime porn with my friends... because I know have a working fast internet connection.

Playing Kings and other various drinking games at 305 until someone throws up/passes out/jumps in the pool... because I know I have an apartment that is awesome.

Falling asleep with my roommate on her bed while watching movies... because I know that I get to do what hundreds of guys have tried to do but to no avail.

Our apartment being so fucking cold nowadays... because I know we don't have to use the AC anymore and maybe, just maybe, we can save some money on our energy bills.

Quoting movies and stand-up comedians... because I know that I am easily amused, and can entertain myself if needed.

Not getting into of my major classes this semester because UT's add/drop system sucks balls... because I got to take classes that are easy and don't take attendance instead.

Cain and Able's on Tuesday nights... because I know I can get drunk for one whole dollar.

Having awesome bed hair and Phuong always there to point it out... because at least I know I got a good night's sleep.

Not getting into a relationship this semester even though I am envious of everyone who is... because I know I would probably fuck it up big time as soon as I get home from Christmas break.

Going to a strip club and getting really turned on by all the hot strippers, and fully admitting it... because I know I am comfortable enough in my sexuality to say, "Hey, I might be a little gay."

Seeing my managers out on 6th Street and calling at least 4 of my co-workers when I was completely incoherent... because I know now we have something more interesting to discuss when I'm at work.

Having the most ridiculous love handles, EVER... because hey, look! Something for you to grab on to when we dance.

The Ying-Yang Twins... because I can't get down with any other songs quite like with the shitty music The YYT puts out.

Going movie hopping with my favorite people, but not before stopping by a gas station to stock up on drinks/snacks/hamburgers/burritos/a small baby to sneak into the movie theater... because being cheap is cool.

Owning an 21+ ID... because half of the stuff I mention here wouldn't have been possible without one.

Going to Buffet Palace and eating until it literally hurts to breathe... because nothing quite exemplies how fat of a country the US really is like my friends and I gorging ourselves at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Britney Spears' body going to shit before she got pregnant... because nothing's better than seeing a hot celebrity completely losing herself, and therefore giving me faith once again in the human race.

"George Bush hates black people."... because that shit's funny, and I love Kanye West even more now.

Taking the fugliest pictures known to man... because in reality, we all know that I'm the cutest person in the world.

E-Bus, in the middle of the street... because have YOU ever tried walking to and from 6th? (Okay Stephanie, you don't count.)

Helping my sister-in-law deliver her baby... because even though it was the most beautiful thing I had ever witnessed, it also served as the best form of birth-control, ever.

My enormous head... because a big head looks better in hats... and it sure beats having a tiny head.

UT football... because we are bad-ass motherfuckers this year. A BAMF, if you will.

Giving new meaning to my away message, "Wanna roll around?"... because well, if you know what I'm talking about, then you'll know how amazing it was.

Richard telling me, "Tammy, you look like you have Down's Syndrome"... because... no wait, fuck that... THAT'S MEAN.

And of course... I'm thankful for all you bitches (you know who I'm talkin to)... because without you guys, 2005 just wouldn't have been the same.






This all being said,
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!