I had a discussion with a friend tonight about how winter always makes us want to be with someone. I guess it's something about the cold weather that makes me want to be in the constant company of a boy - knowing I can hug, or cuddle, or kiss him anytime I want to. Oh God, do I miss the kissing. I don't think I've had a good, passionate make-out session since before this past summer. Which is actually pretty surprising since we all know that that I am the make-out QUEEN. So anyway, I've come to the conclusion that...

I miss being in love.

There. I've said it. I'll let you chuckle to yourselves for a couple of seconds.

...

But yes. I really, truly, miss being in love with someone. And yet, I know that I am terrified of ever letting myself be that vulnerable to anyone again. Maybe that's why I suck so much at relationships now. Maybe that's why I'm notorious for fucking up anything that's going good for me. Maybe that's why everytime I get too close to someone, I pull away and get out of it as soon as I can. And maybe that's why I'm attracted to these assholes whom I know would never treat me the way I would like to be treated.

I have learned to love - unconditionally, unequivocally, and undoubtedly. I've known what it felt like to want to give up everything I have just so that person would never feel an ounce of pain. I've known what it's like to be willing to put your life on hold, so you can move forward with theirs. I've known what it's like to wish with every aching part of my body and soul to be with them when they're hurting. I've known what it's felt like to be genuinely happy for the first time in my life.

But in return, I have also learned the true meaning of heartbreak. Never before had I experienced the kind of pain I went through during our break-ups. I felt as though a part of my heart had been ripped out of my body, leaving only an empty void that could never be filled again. The pain of heartbreak was crippling - mentally, emotionally, and physically. I've cried so much that I was literally too weak to get out of bed. So much that I felt like my world was falling apart. So much that I couldn't focus on anything BUT the pain. I kept thinking about what went wrong? Was it me? It had to be me. I'm the one to blame. I did everything I could to keep myself from wallowing in a pool of self-hate. I did everything I could to keep myself from thinking about him, hoping the pain would ease. But this was a pain that no amount of Advil or band-aids could fix.

That's when time became my best friend. I came to the realization that I was not the only one to blame for our break-up. Our hearts eventually just fell out of sync - and the distance definitely made things harder. So, slowly but surely I was able to pick up the pieces, stop being such a fucking girl, and finally move on.

Only problem is, I am now completely horrified at the thought of opening myself to someone else the way I did. The last thing I'd want is to let my guard down, only to fuck myself over in the end, because I never want to feel that helpless and hurt ever again in my life. But it's cold, shitty, weather like this that makes me want to try once more.

Am I ready to love again? Hell no. I don't know if I'll ever be ready. But am I ready to try? Possibly.

And maybe the chance of feeling truly and utterly happy again is worth risking having another broken heart.

Or maybe I just need to get laid.

I leave you with this quote:

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defenses, you build this whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. It's a soul hurt, a body hurt, a real gets inside you and rips you apart pain. I hate love. - Neil Gaiman

Winter sucks.