Okay. So I'm back from my poolside meditation. And I don't think thoughts like the ones I was thinknig about are exactly "healthy". But I don't know. Have you ever realized how incredibly much people can affect you? Just think of one person, doesn't have to be one of you close people... but someone you know decently well. Now, imagine how different your life would be without that person... the talks and thoughts you two shared, everything. Gone. And I thought about the people in my life... and I can even begin to describe my love for them all. Unconditional, maybe? The only thing I can hope for is that they feel the same way back.
So I was sitting there, and I was looking across to the other apartments, and I saw a little dog that was pawing at the window. It looked trapped. And the apartment seemed to get smaller. I think that how I feel right about now. Trapped. Not in a relationship or anything like that. But trapped within myself, my self-conscienceness, my own mind. Sometimes I feel like I'm living this... big... lie. No.. not like. Hey, I actually have a penis. But more like, I'm... not... myself. Well... I am. But the person that most people see, is only 1/10 of the person I really am. That makes me sound like I'm schizophrenic, and no, as much as I would love to have 5 of me... no. It's more like... I have a really difficult time telling people what I'm going through, and what I'm thinking, and what I'm feeling. So I tend to cover the sadness, the lonliness, whatever, up by acting silly, and funny, and happy. And yeah. I am a generally happy person, but when I have moments like these, I question that. It seems that I have all these... feelings suppressed inside of me, and I don't know how to get them out. Even with my best friends, I have a hard time saying exactly how I feel.
Then I thought of something that I haven't even considered since 7th grade. What if i ceased to exist? What would happen if I just climb over these rails and fall? I have nothing to lose. Wait. I have everything to lose. I realized that suicide is just... not the way to go. It's just an easy way out. As much as I like for things to be easy and simple. I'd much rather my life be complicated. And besides, suicide is the just about the most selfish thing anyone could do. And I'm not a selfish person. But it also made me think of what will happen when I die? Heaven or Hell? Which made me question my own faith in God. I was broght up in a Christian, and I guess I've always considered myself one. But after my dad died (summer before 7th grade), I wondered why someone would create a world full of suffering and pain. I don't know if my views on that have changed... but anyway, so I was staring at the pool. I thought of everyone as one tiny little ripple in the pool, while the pool itself is God/the World. And the ripples (us) come and go... dissappear as soon as they appear, but in the end, they are all part of the same thing. And without them, the pool would be... lifeless. Okay yeah bad analogy. But that's what I was thinking of. And I think I've done enough of that tonight. I'm going to go satisfy my fries-craving now.