I ate my rank today. Lettme explain: Our counselor had finally gotten our class ranks sorted out and all that jazz and everyone had been talking about it all day. After the countless, "What's your rank, Tammy?" I finally decided to go look. Every senior's name and rank was on a small strip of paper, and after a good 5 minutes trying to find my name amongst a heap of shredded paper, I come to find out that it's not that great. I mean, I really shouldn't be complaning because it's not that bad, but I just felt like all the hard work that I had done to try to pull up my grades after I fucked up freshman year was all a waste of time and effort. I *really* wanted to be in the top 10, and I know that makes me sound all high-strung and snobby, and I'm sorry, but I did. I worked my butt off last year to pull up those grades, but freshman year at a private school left permanent damages to my GPA. I wanted to just give up, and quit everything. So out of a moment of frustration, I ate the small strip of paper. I ate my rank.

When I got in the car after school, I had a emotional breakdown. I don't know what happened, but I think I've just been frustrated by school, friends, my mom, life lately and just didn't really realize it. I'm just tired of everything. I want to take a break from it all and go to a deserted island and not worry about anything for a while. That would be ideal, but I'm stuck here. I don't know what I want to do and I don't know if there even *is* anything that I would want to do. And of course, there's my mom constantly nagging me about college, and a career, and what I want to do for the rest of my life, and... AHH. I'm 17, immature, whiney, and goddamnit I want live like a teenager until I'm not a teenager anymore. And my mom is making just a wee bit hard for me to be happy right now. That amongst other things...

Random sidenote: NYU has sent me *a lot* of stuff. I get something from them literally just about every other day. So... is that just me, or is it happening to you too?

I've got to study and maybe that will take my mind off of things for a while... Hopefully I will be in better spirits tomorrow.

And if you were dying to know what my rank really was, I barely made it in the top 20. So, like I said, I really shouldn't be complaining, but you know how it goes...