I go to a gym near my house that closes at closes at 11pm on Thursdays and Friday, and 8pm on Saturdays and Sundays. Which is fine and all... BUT IT'S FUCKING 24 HOUR FITNESS.

That's what you call "false advertising", folks... but I guess "24 Hour Fitness (But Only On Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays)" would be too long to fit on the building.

I finally added some new songs to my Radio.Blog over there to the right. And now that I figured out how to take songs off my iPod and onto my PC, I might start updating this thing more. But I wouldn't hold my breath.

I will say though, the songs I have are pretty damn good. Check it:

Bloc Party feat. Peaches - Helicopter (Remix): I love English alternative rock bands. I especially love it when they have been remixed to where they sound like 80's electro. [Original. But it's nowhere as good.]

Erykah Badu - Danger: Can you say, "I've got the block on lock, the trunk stay locked. The gun on cocked, the block stay hot"?

Kelis - 80's Joint: Not your typical "Bossy" or "Milkshake" Kelis. Better.

Nouvelle Vague - In a Manner of Speaking... Love: This cover is so beautiful that it gives me chills. For a French group that only does covers... kudos. [Original. Again, not as good.]

N.E.R.D. - Lapdance: Because well, you can get this lapdance here for free.

Ingrid Michaelson - Die Alone: As pretentious and pompous Juicy Couture is, they actually crank some pretty good tunes. This being one of them. Catchy. But not like Avril Lavigne catchy. That's catchy and bad.

Daft Punk - Harder Better Faster Stronger: Yes, I know that Kanye's sample of this song is still all over the radios, but I used to jam out to this song back in high school. Plus, I don't think Kanye could do this.

Aaliyah - One in a Million (Ciara Remix): This is my favorite Aaliyah song of all time, and this remix is just plain hot.

Britney Spears - Get Naked (I Got a Plan): What?? I had to! I don't care how fucking crazy she is, she can still come out with some good shit that you'd love-to-hate.

Portishead - Roads: Best sex song. EVER. 'Nuff said.

Sea Wolf - You're a Wolf: This is another song from the Juicy soundtrack. I dig it.

The Knife - Heartbeats: Europeans come out with some of the best stuff. This Swedish-pop group also likes to get cute and wear masks in all their concerts. [Jose Gonzalez has a pretty good cover of it too.]

Nine Inch Nails - Just Like You Imagined: This was featured in the 300 trailer, so every time I hear it, I want to walk around yelling, "Madness?! THIS. IS. SPARTAAAAA!!"

M.I.A. - Come Around: Because M.I.A. is the baddest bitch out there (not to mention, incredibly hot and talented as well). And of course, how can you go wrong with Timbaland producing your song?

Young Love - Discotech: Mainly because I just love the line, "You can fake this only if you take this".

Ida Corr feat. Fedde Le Grande: How can I go to a gay club almost every weekend and not put some queeny-ass dance song on here? Anthony made me watch the video after seeing a t-shirt I had of a girl in sunglasses with an afro. Now, it's my official going-to-a-gay-bar anthem.

There you go. Lettme know what you think.

So, some wack-job German company has come out with the latest fragrance: COOTER JUICE [NSFW].

Ew.

EWWW.

Apparently this shit is so potent that you're only supposed to put a drop of it on the back of your hand, and you'll spend the rest of the day wishing you hadn't.

Can someone please enlighten me as to why you would want your hand to smell like poontang all day long? Every time I think about it, I throw up in my mouth a little.

I will give them props for a great domain name, though.

Things that are really satisfying at work, but shouldn't be:

Collecting giant dust bunnies with our handy-dandy Swiffer.

Wiping down the accessory table with glass cleaner when it gets especially dirty.

When customers spray our doggy "pawfum" on themselves, even though the packaging specifically says "Doggie Crittoure Pawfum" and it's on a table that only has dog stuff on it. Dumbasses.

When my store manager doesn't know something, and I do.

Drawing mustaches and uni-brows on all the "historical figures" on the $20's, $50's, and $100's with the counterfeit pen.

Turning down customers' returns because it's an intimate, been over 60 days, the tags unattached, no original tender, even though it states clearly on the receipt what the return policies are. Dumbasses.

Seeing cool people. Hi, Ana! :)

When people pull the front door to get out instead of push.

When I hear Nicole say something along the lines of, "Danielle, you dumb bitch."

When my store manager acts really gay.

When customers try to open the accessory table drawers to help themselves (or to steal) but guess what, they're locked, suckers!!!

When Ashley (my assistant manager) makes our stock lead cry. Haha.

When customers try to open the front door before we're open or after we're close, but guess what, they're locked, suckers!!! Try to follow mall hours next time.

When I hear Weezer and Rolling Stones on our playlist.

I watched Juno tonight with my Foo-Dong, and had I watched this a week ago, it would have knocked 30 Days of Night (sorry, Vamps) off my Top Seven Movies of 2007, but now it'll have to go in 2008's. This movie was all sorts of awkward but fucking hilarious (totally my sense of humor - "You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events." I mean, c'mon! That's genius!), and yet there was a touch of charm and vulnerability. The fantastic writing was matched only by the impeccable performances by Ellen Page (whom I totally want to date now) and Michael Cera. Now why, can't all teen movies be this good?

Oh, right, cause you put Paris Hilton in them.

Oh well, can't win them all, I guess.

[But seriously, watch Juno. You'll love it.]

And the Best Answer to a Mathematical Problem Award goes to:



If only I had thought to put that when I took my AP Calculus exam in high school...

Tammy's Top 7 List for 2007
[2003. 2004. 2005. 2006]

Albums

Britney Spears - Blackout [Because according to Mike, I "have the worst taste in music, ever". But in my defense, it's a freaking good CD considering Miss Britney is FUCKING CRAZY. Even Amazon thinks so!]

Radiohead - In Rainbows [Uhm. Cause it's fuckin' Radiohead.]

Kanye West - Graduation [Possible titles for Kanye's next album found: here.]

Nine Inch Nails - Year Zero

Lily Allen - Alright, Still

M.I.A. - Kala [They played this shit at Juicy, and I loved it. M.I.A. is the hottest thing to ever come out of Sri Lanka.]

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Is Is [Pros: The best 5-song album, ever. Cons: There were only 5 songs.]


Overplayed Radio Songs

Soulja Boy - Crank Dat [And who doesn't know the dance to go with it??]

Britney Spears - Gimme More

Rihanna - Umbrella

Nelly Furtado - Promiscous

Kanye West - Stronger

Akon feat. Snoop Dogg - I Wanna Fuck You

Flo-Rida feat. T-Pain - Low

Movies

Pan's Labyrinth [Definitely my favorite movie of 2007. Incredible]

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street [Tim Burton + Johnny Depp + Musical? WIN!]

Ratatouille

Grindhouse [So I know I'm kinda cheating cause it's actually 2 movies... but sue me.]

300 [Uhm, hello ripped men in loincloths.]

Superbad

30 Days of Night [As far as scary movies go, this was probably the best one of the year.]

Books

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

A Thousand Splendid Suns

Wow, I only read 2 books in this entire past year?? No wonder I'm dum. [Note to self: MUST READ MORE FOR 2008]

Events

Spring break in South Padre with my favorites

Going shot-for-shot with Phuong on St. Patty's, and getting WASTED at home while waiting for the cab that never came.

4th of July week - where I went out and got wrecked for an entire week straight.

Every freaking Thursday and Saturday night at Rain with my gays.

Quitting J. Crew and starting at Juicy.

$1.50 pint nights at our beloved Crown and Anchor.

Spending a week in Santa Cruz with my Mikeys.

Gifts

My hot tattoo from the Best Friend.

The badass new watch I got from my moms.

The many, many, many visits to Austin from my Mikeys.

My "damages" from J. Crew before I left. Hah.

My Blackberry Pearl from Momzilla.

The hook-up at my favorite bar and the many drinks I got for free.

My awesome Coach bangles from Sisssss.

Pictures

I miss my kitty. A lot.

My favorites at Rain|Jimmies.

Sunburned Dougie (GittOOUUTT!)|Typical Zetas

Foo-Dong and I got engaged|What our last days at J.Crew were like


Quotes

"Honeeeyyy... that is ONE to the T... SISSSSS." -Shawn

"Oh my God, it's really slippery right there!" -Me (after pretend-slipping over and over again on 6th)

"Hey look, your family is here." - What everyone at work says to me when someone Asian comes into the store.

"Let me pee in your butt." - Anthony

"You may be asking yourself, 'Who's that zombie in the fabulous gown?' Hey! It's me! Donatella Vesace!" - Maya Rudolph on SNL

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq and everywhere like such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for us." - Lauren Upton (Miss South Carolina Teen USA), when asked why one-fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a map.

"It's ready for a retarded president, why wouldn't it be ready for an African American president?" - Chris Rock, upon being asked whether this country is ready for an African American president

And new for 2007:

Resolutions

Get my weight down to 130, even if it means selling my body for a 40 of coke every other night [Joke, guys. Joke.] and drinking more water while doing so.

Manage my own store.

Mend broken relationships. One, in particular.

Read at least 6 books (that don't tell me "101 Ways to Become a Better Lover") before I turn into a dumbass.

Pay off all my debts.

Start blogging on a more consistent basis.

See the Spice Girls in concert.

As 2007 comes to a close, what better way to end it than by a stupid online survey!

1) DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR? Phuong. ALWAYS.

2) LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend)? Sue. We got in touch again at the end of summer. I've known this girl since I was like, 10.

3) NEWCOMER AWARD - COOLEST NEWEST FRIEND? Sir Anthony, Greg, and Justin.

3) HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR? Spring break in South Padre beach with Foo-dong, Kim, Annie, Mike, Adam, Doug, J. Lew, Teddy Brown, Danae, Dona, Christian, and Wendy.

4) LOW POINT OF THE YEAR? When my Fatty Cat died. :(

5) BEST HOLIDAY? 4th of July (the whole week was dedicated to drinking).

6) YOUR SONG FOR 2007? "Let Me Think About It" - Ida Corr & Fedde La Grande.

7) MOVIE FOR 2007? Pan's Labyrinth. Hands down.

8) WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH? My babies! I got to go home and spend it with him.

9) BEST RELATIONSHIP? Mike.

10) WHAT WERE YOU FOR HALLOWEEN? A referee.

11) RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR? Trudy's. It's never failed me.

12) BOOK OF THE YEAR? Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

13) BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR? To quit J. Crew and get away from the horrible cunt beasts that worked there.

14) WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR? Moving home after summer. :)

15) MOST STUPID IDEA WHEN DRUNK? Oh God, where do I begin? You were probably there, so why don't you tell me?

16) TV SHOW OF THE YEAR? Planet Earth

17) BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR? Not living on campus anymore.

18) BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG AWARD? Uhm. Probably me, for being a shitty friend.

19) LAST YEAR RESOLUTION? I think it was to make my cat lose weight. Anyway, sore topic, moving on.

20) NEW YEAR RESOLUTION? Start going to the gym on a regular basis again.

21) SHINING STAR AWARD? Honey, YOU... are... my... shining star. Don't you go away.

I lost the main man in my life today.

For those of you who knew me the last few years, you would have had the pleasure to meet my one and only, Hercules.

Hercules was my fatty cat who's been there for me through the thick and thin. He's seen me through many boyfriends, many fights, many disappointments and embarrassing moments. And yet, he was the only one that never judged me for the stupid decisions I've made in my life. He stuck by me when even my closest friends would have left my sorry ass.

He was the one cat that even people who DESPISED cats, absolutely fell in love with. And he was the one who always kept my bed warm at night so I didn't feel so alone.

But despise all the sad, I want to thank all of you for giving Hercules an amazing life and loving him as much as he loved all of you.

RIP Hercules (1998-2007)

[Edit]: The one thing that brightened up my day was this text message from my mom that I received at work (verbatim):

Tammy, dnot be sadd, herkery she is in the heaven now. Where we will all be there in the future, so we will see her again. Please take care of your toes, see doctor if not get better ok? Pray for you and love you

Wow. I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how amazing this text is. Herkery? Nice. [/Edit]

So my favorite shot to order from Rain is a "Yeah, Baby", because not only is it delicious, but when you ask, "Hey, can I have two Yeah Babies?", they always reply, "Yeah... baby."

And it never gets old.

I got to hang out with my favorite last night, and we did something that we haven't done in a long time - go downtown together. On a Tuesday night. Just us two. Like the alkies we are.

It all started when I got a VIP pass to a Patron party at Qua - free Patron shots all night. Now everyone knows that I absolutely DESPISE tequila... but... who can pass up on a sale, son?

So of course, I had to call Phuong up to see if she wanted to go, and like the trooper she is, she obliged. We get a cab at around 11:30 and we're in front of the bar in 10 minutes. When we get there, the bouncer tells us that they were about to close!!! What bar closes at midnight?? I know that you have to be 25+ to get in, but Jesus, are you really that old that you need to be in bed by midnight? Come on.

We leave Qua to go next door to Rain (go figure), and we find out that Texas is working the bar that night. He hooked us up with some delicious shots:

- Smack That Ass (Like a Yeah Baby, but... pink...)
- Blueberry Pancake (Tastes JUST like what it's named. Crazy)
- German Chocolate Cake (This was my favorite! How does a clear shot end up tasting like chocolate? It's baffling.)
- Upside-down Pineapple Cake (Meh. Good, but didn't compare to the prior.)

After I was good and tipsy, we trekked on over to 6th Street to see what was happening over there. Cause you know, those Tuesday nights tend to get crazy. Right. [By the way, why does 6th Street seem so much further when it's fucking freezing outside???] We stopped by SoHo, got another shot and drink [I've been so spoiled by the good liquor at Rain that well drinks are just plain boo-boo]. As we're trying to make our way to Aquarium/Library/Treasure/Agave/etc, we get stopped by our old friend, Paul. Paul used to be the bouncer at Exodus, and he used to ALWAYS let us in with an armband back when we were still underage. We love Paul. Anyway, he's working at Darwin's now, and he told us he'd buy us a drink if we went in. (and hey, who can pass up a sale, son?). Tuaca bombs for everyone! We ended up staying the rest of the night because A.) It was cold and I didn't want to go outside, and B.) We met some really fun people... like:

- The two guys from Canada (or Canadia, as Phuong likes to call it) who are playing for a hockey team in Amarillo. AMARILLO! Who the fuck plays hockey there?! Tragic.
- C.J. (or J.C., or T.S., or A.J., as Phuong likes to call him) - the guy who owns the bar who kept taking shots with us.
- Ben - the guy who said to Phuong, "You don't look a day over 30." Bitch.

Tammy Tuaca! Haha.


My favorite. :)
Good laughs, watching Phuong be mean to all the guys there, and a few shots later - we decide it's time to go home. Right as we got back, yours truly christened Phuong's apartment complex by throwing up everything she had to eat that night. Man, I bet those plants will grow much stronger and prettier now.

After eating our usual midnight snack (spring rolls and miso soup - yum!), we fell asleep while watching Anastasia, (by "we", I really mean I passed out in the first 5 minutes of the movie, and Phuong stayed up for an additional 2 hours) just like old times. Felt kinda nauseous this morning... but nothing a little Buffet Palace couldn't fix! And boy, was it delicious.

Ahh. Fun times. I miss my roommate.

My boyfriend sent me flowers. Because he loves me more than he loves you. Sorry, but it's true.

To my fellow yellows and FOBs, this one's for you [if you're not fresh off, fresh on, not-so-fresh off, in, on, or even out of the boat, please ignore this post, for you will not understand the glory that is this following video]:

My gay boyfriend, Jasen and I have always said that we should have our own reality TV show. Granted, there would just be a lot of footage of us eating Chick-Fil-A (or Panda Express, or McDonald's, or Side Wok Cafe), taking ridiculous amounts of shots at Rain, talking shit about people at work, and quoting our friend, Shawn. [No, but seriously, we'd make a GREAT TV show, I promise. You'd totally watch too, don't even lie.]

We always agreed that he'd be the star of the show, and I would be his much smarter and talented assistant that's constantly pissed off because she's just a fucking assistant even though she's much smarter and talented. [Hi. It's Redundant Day - it's where we say everything twice, or more than once.]

Then we came up with an even better idea. You all have seen or heard of MTV's "A Shot of Love with Tila Tequila", right? If you haven't, catch up:

So instead, it's gonna be "A Shot of Cum with Jasen Jager". The J's are silent.

The premise is this - there will be 16 girls, but all of them go on the show thinking he's straight - and all of them are set out to win over his heart. However, on the first night, Jasen's got a big secret to tell the girls - "I've... never... told anyone this, but... I'm... gay. And you girls are here to compete to be my ultimate fag hag." And the girls will yell and cry and will be all, "But I've totally already began to fall in love with him even though I've only known him for 7 hours!"

But Jasen's got another secret to tell them! - "I... have another secret to tell you. There's actually someone else. Someone that's been there for me through the thick and thin, and someone that will be VERY difficult to replace - my former fag hag, Tammy Tuaca!" And I come in Sister Patterson (you know, the mom from I Love New York) style - reading all the bitches to the floor and making them cry. All of them will try to suck up to me, but they actually want to rip my hair out, and all they talk about is how much they hate me in their confessionals. And of course, there's gonna be one bitch that's gonna try to act all grand and stand up for herself, only to realize that I will tear her a new one and she will be eliminated that night no matter how much Jasen liked her. And in the final episode, one of the girls will hawk a loogie the size of small rodent in the other one's hair.

See? Good shit, right? We're gonna tweak it a little and then send it off to MTV or VH1. It's bound to get picked up. Wish us luck.

Don't mind Jasen's leopard dress.

For Halloween this year, I didn't dress like a slutty ___________ and get drunk and manhandled on 6th Street. Instead, I watched the worst movie of my entire life.

I know that's a pretty serious statement, so I'll let that marinate in your mind for a while.




...




Yes, my friends. The. WORST. Movie. Of my entire life. Now, believe you me, I've seen some pretty terrible movies in my day, some being:

Battlefield Earth
Waterworld
The Adventures of Pluto Nash
The Master of Disguise
Epic Movie
Ultraviolet
Juwanna Mann
I Still Know What you Did Last Summer
Bring It On: All or Nothing
Leprechaun in Space
Leprechaun in the Hood
Crossroads

Shit, I'm embarrassed to even mention that I've seen those, but I would rather watch all of the movies listed above ten times each than see the cinematic turd also known as "Bug" again.

The only thing "disturbing" about this movie is that people actually went to see it in theaters.

It was an hour and a half of my life that I would have much rather spent gouging my eyes out with rusty spoons. It was one of those movies that you kept watching because the whole time you were thinking, "God, it's *got* to get better", but instead, it gets worse. And at the end, you're hoping that a scary girl with a bad weave will crawl out of your TV and put you out of your fucking misery. Or just punch your in the fucking mouth, because at least *that* would have been a hell of a lot more interesting than "Bug".

Ahh, good times on Halloween night. At least I got to share my agony with good company. And all is well.